Joke #5781

Big girls don't cry... They eat.

Nothing beats a beautiful woman who can sing... except Chris Brown.

Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain. She asks the doctor what he has on sale. "Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100." Surprised she asks why the price difference? "Generally women brains run cheaper because they come to us used!"

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

Johnny comes home from school and asks his mom what is a "period". His mom says that "A period is when a woman needs to realease her dead egg cells". Johnny asks what color is it. She says it's red. Johnny said "I have one of those but mine is white and it makes babies."

Q: What book do women like the most? A: "Their husbands checkbook!"

A Lady calls the airline office in New York and asks, "How long does it take to fly to Hawaii?" The clerk says to her, "Just a second." The woman says "Thank you", and hangs up.

A man, a woman, and a great survivor are trapped on an island. The survivor finds a bunch of coconuts. The man thinks to himself, "What if there are other people on the island? Then we won't be stranded!" He throws coconuts at nearby ships, and the island was populated. Everybody looks at him cross. Then they kick him off the island.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender… "Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice.

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!" "Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"