Joke #5828

A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end. "Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news." The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life." "Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?" The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup? A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

First cannibal: "I can't find anything to eat!" Second cannibal: "But the jungle's full of people."  First cannibal: "Yes, but they're all very unsavory."

They say that if I don't support transgender rights I'm on the wrong side of history. At least I'm on the right side of the firing squad.

Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? "Ask your sister" "I don't have a..."

What is a cannibal's favorite food? Baked Beings.

W: Where did Lucy go during the bombing? A: Everywhere.

A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says: "I can not proceed in this way." And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they dig up the woman.

There were four people on a plane. One of them, the Pilot. The other was the president of the United States –Obama, The oldest man in the world, and a little boy. The plane was about to crash and the only option for survival was to jump! But there were only three parachutes. The Pilot took a parachute and said, "I'm the pilot, so I should get a parachute." And he jumped off. Then Obama grabs a and jumps saying, "Since I'm the president, I get one too!" And he jumps. The little boy then grabs a parachute and hands it to the old man. The man declines, saying, "No, boy, take it. I'm too old anyway." The boy answers, "What? No! Obama took my back-pack!"

Heres what you do: 1. Dinner 2. Kiss 3. Movie 4. Sex 5. Bring her back home 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting

Two clones are on a roof. One clone pushes the other clone off. The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.