A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.
"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."
The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."
"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"
The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
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9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
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When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the exact same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car.
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Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
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A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear.
No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
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Q: What's red, white, and cries a lot?
A: A baby with a razor!
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Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator:"My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter seys,"Ok, now what?"
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The only church which is disseminating light and warmth is the burning church.
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Q: Why are Germans bad cooks?
A: The only good one killed himself.
How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf?
He became a vegetarian.
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