Joke #5828

A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end. "Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news." The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life." "Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?" The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing. The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!". The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again. He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!". The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again. On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly. Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".

What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ? One's composing, the other is decomposing.

Q: Why do German shower heads have 11 holes? A: Jews have 10 fingers.

I'm thinking about opening a summer camp for jewish kids with adhd and dyslexia, I'm gonna call it Concentration camp.

Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died. I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."

The best thing about Alzheimer's Disease is that you get to meet so many new people.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."