A woman wants everything from one man. A man wants one thing from all the women.
Two eggs boiling in a pan. One says, "I've got a huge crack." The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."
Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? A: Snap-on tools!
How do you blindfold a Chinese person? Put floss over their eyes.
This guy said send me a naked pic, so I sent him a picture of my kitty. She's not wearing any clothes.
Q: Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks? A: Better traction.
Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother." Santa - "Send me your mother."
A priest is walking through town at his new parish when a hooker approaches him. "Blowjobs for $20 if you're interested". Confused by this he smiles, blesses her and goes back to the church. He sees one of the nuns and asks her, "Sister, what's a blowjob?" She replies, "$20. Same as in town".
Sure, I love to cook, but that doesn't mean I'm against eating out.
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"