Q: What does it look like when you microwave a baby? A: I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
An asp in the grass is a snake, but a grasp in the ass is a goose.
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.
What's grosser than gross? Ten babies in one mail box. What's grosser than that? One baby in ten mailboxes. What's grosser than that? Biting into a pickle and finding a vein. What's grosser than that? A cheerleader doing a split and sticking to the floor. What's grosser than that? A girl thinking she has crabs only to find it's fruit flies because her cherry rotted.
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time? He didn't know if he was coming or going.
Why can't girls play hockey? Because their pads can't last three periods.
Q: What's the similarity between a woman and dog poop? A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What is worse than ten dead people in one trashcan? A: One dead person in ten trashcans!
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet? A: Winnie the Pooh.
Yo mama is so fat whenever I want to make sex I would request her to fart in order to find the address of her ass.