Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
Two best friends are lying on the beach and discussing: "Last night I saw a terrible nightmare…" "What did you see?" "I saw my mother-in-law swimming in the sea and being chase by a shark…" "Wow horror!" "Horror?! You say nothing! She almost got away!"
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
In the war, a German ship suspected that they were being tracked by an Irish submarine. Unfortunately, they had used up all of their depth-charges. As an alternative, one of their Divers decided to swim down to the submarine and knock on the door.
What is the difference between a fridge and a kid? A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
Q: Why does Luke Skywalker always ask for favors? A: Because he needs someone to lend a hand.
Q: How does every black joke start? A: With the white guy looking over his shoulder.
An Arabic kid joined my football team. All he did was blow the plays.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children. You put groceries in the other.
What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.