It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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Chuck Norris once cried just to see what it was like.
The end result was the creation of life.
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Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
Chuck Norris is the meaning of life.
Too bad he's also the meaning of death.
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It was tough for me, got caught up: cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town.
What I'm trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hell for me, alright?
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting "Live life full".
That's just 3 random words.
I'm going to try now.
Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.
My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
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Chuck Norris can experience a once in a life time occurrence... twice.
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