A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was immediately transported to the hospital. While she was in surgery she had a supernatural, near death experience. She met God and asked him: "Has my time come?" He answered: "No, you have 43 years, 2 months and 8 more days to live." After she recovered, the woman decided to stay in hospital and do plastic surgery on her face, liposuction, breast enlargement and abdominal fat removal. She also called a hair stylist to change her hairstyle and an orthodontist to perform a ‘teeth lifting’. She figured, if she had so much time in front of her, she should live the best way possible. After her last plastic surgery and not until she has recovered, she wore a new dress with matching heels, left the hospital, went across the street and an ambulance run over her… While crossing the gates to heaven, she reached God and demanded to know what happened: "You told me I had 43 more years! Why didn’t you save me from the ambulance?" And he answered: "I didn’t recognize you."
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port of France, and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places. Oui monsieur; what is the destination port for this load? I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil. Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal? Why is that sir? If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese; of course!
Q: The more you take the more you leave behind. What am I? A: footsteps
A man was drowning and asked God to help him. A boat came by wanting to help the man. The man refused and said that God would save him. The man drowned and went to heaven. He asked God why didn't you save me. God responded, "I sent a boat to get you and you did not get on."
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It's mashing!
"Hey what's up?" "Nothing much.. converting Oxygen into Carbon dioxide." "How the hell do you do that?!" "Breathing... Dude."
What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks? You have pressure when your wife is pregnant. You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant. You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!
What did the potato chip say to the battery? If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.