Why is there no gambling in Africa?
-Too many Cheetahs!
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Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing?
He was always standing up on the job!
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
A: Of course, a house doesn't jump at all
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?"
"I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!"
"Help me please, please help!"
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk?
A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant.
A guy meets a hooker in a bar.
She says, "This is your lucky night.
I’ve got a special game for you.
I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing not more than fifty feet from them.
The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes. Then, as the bear slowly approached them, he furiously attempted to lace them up.
The second man, somewhat confused, looked at the first man and said, "Whaddya doing? Running shoes ain’t gonna help! You can't outrun that there bear!"
"I don't need to outrun the bear, buddy," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."
What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat?
A harebrush.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
A: He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?
A cockerpoodlemoo.