Q: Why did the lion brake up with his girlfriend?
A: Cuz she was a CHEETAH!
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Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you?
A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
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A fellow always wanted to own a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one.
After a bit of waiting, they bagged a skunk and brought him back to the truck.
The skunk was very scared and very cold, so the guy asks his girlfriend if she can keep the skunk between her legs to keep him warm.
"But what about the smell?" asks his girlfriend.
"Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did."
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Young kids use a dating app on their phones.
Older kids use a dating website on their computers.
Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.
Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.
Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
a lickalotapus.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
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A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”
The owner says, “How about a cat?”
The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”
The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate!
All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed.
He’s absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room.
The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”
Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”
The centipede walks out the door.
10 minutes later…no centipede.
20 minutes later… no centipede.
30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what’s going on.
The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later… still no centipede!
He can’t imagine what could have happened.
Did the centipede run away?
Did it get run over by a car?
Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”
The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
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Boy: I would go to the end of the world for you!
Girl: yes, but would you stay there….
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