I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Q: Who hangs out with musicians but isn't a musician? A: Drummers.
On a beach a man shouts at another man: Tell your son not to imitate me. A man to his son: Son, stop playing the fool.
Mary's father has 5 daughters, 1. Nana 2. Nono 3. Nini 4. Nene What is the fifth daughters name?
Women are looking for Mr. Right. Men are looking for Ms. Right Now.
Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win? A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day a gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies "No, what do you mean?" "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..." Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!"
What's lil Wayne's favorite kind of pizza? Little Seizures. What? To soon?
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire? Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"