I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy."
I tell him I want a second opinion.
He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
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I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.
Q: Why is Al Qaeda more compassionate than pro-lifers?
A: The 9/11 hijackers got to die instantly.
Vote:
Where are you going for vacation this year?
I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.
Chuck Norris was born in a house he build himself.
Vote:
Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A: Meet Patty.
Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.
At the Court discussion between judge and villager:
So you was propeling surrogate alcohol?
Me? No!
What do you mean no?
You have a device for that... means propeled.
Then please judge me also for rape...
So you have raped someone also?
Well no... but I have a device...
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must of shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
What has four legs but can't walk?
A chair.