I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy."
I tell him I want a second opinion.
He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
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A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean.
Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef.
They start debating how to open the can without can-opener.
Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it.
Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire.
Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."
If you think nobody care if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!
Drake Bell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco".
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
What has four legs but can't walk?
A chair.
Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds?
It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.
I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
I got 99 problems and being upside down ain't one.
Ok wait I got 66 problems.