What did the volcano say to the other volcano?
Stop erupting me.
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The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"That's right."
"Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake."
"Well, today is his birthday."
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
One day Pebbles Flintstone got scared and hopped in bed with Wilma and Fred.
She looked under the covers on Wilma's side and asked what that was and Wilma said well Pebbles thas my rock.
After that Pebbles looked on Fred's side and asked what that thing was down there and Fred replied thats my rock grinder.
So Pebbles layed there for a few minutes then sat up and said so mommy puts her rock in daddy's rock grinder and out pops PEBBLES! ! ! !
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I’m in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But George," she said gently, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child."
"Oh, don’t worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I’ll use a rubber."
Chuck Norris was an only child.
Eventually.
Vote:
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops."
(WHACK...she spanks him)
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops."
Q: How did the sand get wet?
A: The sea weed!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her:
"The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off.
Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."