Q: What do Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common? A: They both wipe out klingons.
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead. Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.
What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!
"What are you doing there?" "I'm making something." "What are you making?" "A bomb." "Can I help?" "Impossible. It's a nuclear one..."
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
10 Facts About You: 1. You're reading this now. 2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact. 4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3. 5. You're checking now. 6. You're smiling. 7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid. 9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8. 10. You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again. 11. You're enjoying this. 12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
How many Wall Street protesters does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't change a thing.
If you have a grief nobody feels, If you have a pain nobody feels. If your heart is broken nobody feels, but if you fart all will understand.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
A man was strolling along a beach in California. On giving the sand a kick he struck a corked bottle. He bent down, picked it up and removed the cork. Immediately, a Genie came out of the bottle and said to him, "Master, I have been a prisoner in this bottle for a thousand years and now you have set me free. For that, I will grant you one wish." The man thought for a moment then said, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid to fly and I get sick on a ship. Could you build a highway from California to Hawaii?" "Master, that is a difficult wish to fulfill. Can you think of something that is more practical?" The man thought for a moment and said, "Could you tell me why women are the way they are?" The Genie thought for a moment before replying, "Would that be two lanes or four?"