What's the fastest thing in the world? A beer truck driving through an Indian reserve. What's the second fastest thing in the world? The Indians running after it.
Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked. St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?" So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer. "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff. "It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it... and the blonde doesn't."
Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.
Two guys narrowly escaped from a sinking ship on a life raft and discovered a magic lamp tucked away in a dark cranny. Figuring what the hell, one of the men gave the lamp a rub and "poof," a cloud of smoke. A second later, a genie appeared and said, "I will grant each of you one wish." After thinking a while, the first man turned to the genie and said, "I wish I were floating on an ocean of beer." The genie granted the man's wish and disappeared. The man's companion turned to him and said, "Way to go idiot. Now we have to pee in the boat."
Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. "Sleep now, it's all right," he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said, "Honey, I really need to tell you something." Finally Jake let her get it off her chest. "Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." "Don't worry about it," Jake said, "I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet A: A Budweiser in each hand!
Doctor: "You have trouble with your throat? Have you ever gargled with salt water?" Patient: "Yes. In last summer, I was almost drowned while swimming."
*WINS AN OSCAR* Me: I'd like to thank my legs, for always supporting me; my arms, who are always by my side and lastly my fingers, I can always count on them.
An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
Q: How does a man show he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer.