A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry.
He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys”.
The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying “I want you to know I highly resent that remark”.
“Why, are you an attorney?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
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A junior partner in a law firm is sent to represent a client accused of murder.
After a long trial, the case is won and the client acquitted.
The young lawyer telegraphs his firm with the message, ‘Justice prevailed’.
The senior partner telegraphs back, ‘Appeal immediately’.
How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.
Vote:
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
A Preacher and a lawyer both go to heaven at the same time and the Preacher receives his gifts that he had expected and he sees that the lawyer gets this big house and pool.
The Peacher asked God: "Why is it that I get the things I've wanted, but the lawyer gets all that?"
God Replied: "He is the first lawyer to make it into Heaven."
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law.
The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.
The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.
The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?"
The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4."
Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question.
With little thought he replied, "4.0"
Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question.
The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, "What do you want it to be?"