A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry.
He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys”.
The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying “I want you to know I highly resent that remark”.
“Why, are you an attorney?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
Similar jokes
See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
How come sharks don’t attack lawyers?
From professional courtesy.
What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
A young lawyer says to ones of his colleagues:
-A lawyer is the freest creature in the world.
He’s not dependent of nothing except of his clients, his colleagues, judge and of the High Court...!
A man walked into a curio store and was looking around.
After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it.
The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.'
He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him.
The further he walked -- the more rats followed.
He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him.
So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha!
You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?'
'Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'
An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years.
A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division.
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate.
He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker.
She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney.
He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant.
When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down.
Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
Vote:
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”
“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!”