Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
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Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
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Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.
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What does CPA stand for?
Can't Pass Again.
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If you think nobody care if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.
Q: What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
A: Lost.
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A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital.
The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don’t see why not," replies the doctor.
"That’s funny," says the man. "I wasn’t able to play it before."