Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
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Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
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Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?
A. Drizzle
If I had my whole life to live over again, I don’t think I’d have the strength.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: The accountant knows he's boring.
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Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.
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The doctor gave me one year to live.
So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
And the judge gave me 15 years.
Problem solved.
Q: Why do economists exist?
A: So accountants have someone to laugh at.
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I have asked my mamma: "Mamma, why do we have 10 cock birds but only 1 hen?"
Mama has said to me: "Because I want that she has a better life than I had."
An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.
The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?"
The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes."