Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
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Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: The accountant knows he's boring.
An accountant is walking along the beach (also, not the joke) and he finds an old lamp.
He picks it up, rubs it and of course, a genie appears.
The genie says "I am the most powerful genie that has ever lived. I can do great and wonderful things and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one."
Well, this accountant is a deeply caring individual.
He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean area and says, "My dearest wish is that you solve the Arab-Israeli conflict in the Middle East."
The genie strokes his beard and looks worried.
"Oh dear, " he says , staring at the map. "That's a tough one. Those people have been fighting for eons. No one has been able to come up with a successful solution. I'm not sure if I could do any better. You should probably make another wish."
The accountant is understanding and says, "All right. Listen, the IRS has asked me to re-design their 1040 form so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?"
There's a long silence and finally the genie says, "Let's have another look at that map."
Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical?
They have strong internal controls.
Q: What is the definition of an extroverted tax accountant?
A: Someone who stares at YOUR shoes when talking to you.
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
The clerk walks into the boss's office and says,
"The auditors have just left, sir."
"Have they finished checking the books?", asks the boss.
"Very thoroughly," is the reply.
"Well, what did they say", says the boss.
"They want 15% to keep quiet."
Q: What is the definition of "accountant"?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.