Prostitute 1: Tonight's my night I can smell c**k in the air. Prostitute 2: Oh, sorry. I burped.
I met a girl who used masturbate to 2 girls 1 cup. And that kids, is how j met your mother.
Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? A: Kids don't eat broccoli.
What is the difference between a fridge and a kid? A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.
Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple? A: Finding half a worm."
There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar and asked the bartender for a glass of hot water. The bartender asked what for, because everyone else was drinking blood. The vampire pulled out a bloody tampon and said "TEA TIME!"
Two men work in a mortuary. One says to another, "You should see that woman they brought in today. She'd been in the water for a week. Her clit was like a pickle." "Ew!" says the other fellow. "It was green?" "No, it was sour!"
Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison? A: "I feel like a kid again."
If I wanted some comeback, I'd wipe it off your chin!
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow. "What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified. "Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."