A pollock walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms. We have some for 75 cents a peace. The man asks for two. The pharmacist calculates the total and says, "That will be $1.58 with tax, sir." The pollock says, "Oh, these come with tacks? I was wondering how you keep them on."
A married couple go to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. The man asks, "Where's the burger?" The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. "I was keeping it warm," she replies. The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."
Q: Why does a dog lick himself? A: He can't make a fist.
What's small, and red, and full of holes? A baby on a bed of nails.
What's green and sits in the corner? That same baby three weeks later.
What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroke-n-off
What did Obi Wan say when Luke was constipated? "Use the F-O-R-C-E Luke!"
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs. A: Ground Beef!
Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself. Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!" Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."
Take a squirt gun into the rest room stall next to someone and shoot little drops over the wall every couple of seconds while pretending to pee.