A pollock walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms. We have some for 75 cents a peace. The man asks for two. The pharmacist calculates the total and says, "That will be $1.58 with tax, sir." The pollock says, "Oh, these come with tacks? I was wondering how you keep them on."
What's grosser than gross? Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue. What's even grosser than that? When one of them throws up.
What's small, and red, and full of holes? A baby on a bed of nails.
What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls? A baby with forks in its eyes.
How do you know when your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick tastes like blood.
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel."
How do you f*ck a fat chick? Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
Q: What does an old woman have that a young woman doesn't? A: A belly button between her boobs.
Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other? A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.
What kind of a car does a proctologist drive? A brown Probe!
Bob: "Hey, Sue, why is there a tampon hanging out of your mouth?" Sue: "Oh my God. What did I do with my cigarette?"