Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs, with a ten inch penis? A: "Partially disabled."
What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon? "Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"
I hope the children will never find out why I say "oops..." so often when I vacuum their rooms.
What does Michael Jackson call a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll? Bait!
Q: What did the fool do with his first 50 cent piece? A: He Married Her
How does herpes leave the hospital? On crotches.
Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church? A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.
A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!" "No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."
Q: How many hipsters does it take to flush a toilet? A: You can't touch that toilet, it's art.
What’s harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree? Nailing it to a dead puppy.
A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized there was no toilet paper. There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: "When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned." The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suck on it.