How long does it take a Mexican to build a, holy shit they're done!
I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions'
Q: What's the distinction between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you dispose of the entire prick.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
A tourist was watching an Indigenous man sending smoke signals. Everything around him was primitive, except of a latest model fire extinguisher. "What's the fire extinguisher for?" the tourist wondered. "It's for erasing the misspellings!"
A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank. Moral of the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.
While learning CPR Chuck Norris actually brought the practice dummy to life.
Toilets are like mothers-in-law: the farther away the better.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than snopp dogg tour bus.
You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'.