How long does it take a Mexican to build a, holy shit they're done!
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*WINS AN OSCAR*
Me: I'd like to thank my legs, for always supporting me; my arms, who are always by my side and lastly my fingers, I can always count on them.
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
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At the grammy awards Beyonce said to Justin Bieber, "What song would u sing of mine justin?"
Justin said, "If I were a boy."
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy."
I tell him I want a second opinion.
He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts...
Man, and do you have life?
OMG, No! Could you send me a link?
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What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
It repeated on him.
You will never have more energy or enthusiasm, hair, or brain cells than you have today.
What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician?
A Labracadabrador!
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl.
One day she told him that the next day was her birthday.
He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?"
Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor."
Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."