What are two things a black man can't get in a fist fight. A black eye, and a swollen lip.
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine. But I need a line to end it.
A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs: "Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of vodka and noone to drink them!"
About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application. "Do you have references?" she asked. The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying." The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."
Guy goes every day to the same diner, looks over the menu, and always orders the same thing: ham and eggs. Every day, the same thing: ham and eggs. Waitress decides to play a trick on him and scratches it from the menu. He comes in, she says, "You know that thing you like so much? I scratched it." "Well, wash off your hand and get me some ham and eggs."