What are two things a black man can't get in a fist fight. A black eye, and a swollen lip.
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?" The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!" So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!" And poof, he was there. Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and poof ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Q:Did you hear the joke about the rope? A:Just skip it.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.
A patient: "Doctor, I don’t feel hungry after taking meal." Doctor: "Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit." (After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines). Doctor: "Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up."
A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
A student was lucky to find a decent accommodation with a cheap rent. His colleagues came to visit him and he was showing them the house. "This is the kitchen. This is the bedroom. And this one is the living room ... " "And what are this hammer and this pot that are hanging on the wall for? What are you going to do with them?" one of his colleagues asked. "This is a talking clock." "I have never seen a clock like that. Can you show me how it works?" "Sure. Look," the student said. He took the hammer and struck at the pot with all his strength. Then a voice was heard from the other side, "What you are doing? Are you crazy? It is half past one in the night, you idiot!"
What do you find in a clean nose? Fingerprints!
No! You don't have "Bad luck". You have low IQ and you make bad decisions.