If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!
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Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
There’s one good thing about life.
It’s only temporary.
A guy drives on the highway and sees a sign that says, "Mississippi State Whorehouse 10 miles."
He decides to stop in.
A madam answers the door, and the man requests a whore.
The madam says, "I'll need $500 first."
The man pays, then asks about his whore again.
The madam says "Wait for 15 minutes in that hallway. Go straight, left, straight, right, and then go through the door at the end of the hall."
He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot.
His car has a sign on it that says, "Congrats! You've just been screwed by the state of Mississippi!"
Patient: "Doctor, I can’t sleep."
Doctor: "Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off."
My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.
What difference is between a man and Paris?
The Paris remains Paris!
Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend's 25, Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend's 26, so if you're single its ok, maybe he's just not born yet.
Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Women make it hard!
A director’s wife hears that her husband has a new secretary.
The director comes home and the wife starts putting questions:
Does this new secretary of yours have nice legs?
I don’t know.
What color do her eyes have?
I didn’t notice...
But about dressing, how does she dress?
Very fast...
Two junior doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital.
A senior consultant had to pull them apart.
"What's all this about?" asked the consultant angrily.
"It's the Tax Inspector in C ward," said one.
"He's only got 2 days to live."
"He had to be told." said the second doctor.
"I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"