I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.
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About 4,000 years ago:
God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Pawn Stars:
Man: "Can I have change for a dollar?"
Rick: "Best I can do is 75 cents."
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink.
Suddenly, a man hollers at him, "I screwed your mom last night!"
Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, "Your mom was good in bed last night!"
Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!"
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
Vote:
A man was drowning and asked God to help him.
A boat came by wanting to help the man.
The man refused and said that God would save him.
The man drowned and went to heaven.
He asked God why didn't you save me. God responded, "I sent a boat to get you and you did not get on."