Joke #2848

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.

Boss: "This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?" Me: "That it's only Wednesday."

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

What's lil Wayne's favorite kind of pizza? Little Seizures. What? To soon?

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.

This old guy goes into a church in a small town in the hills of Italy and asks the priest to hear his confession. The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?" The old guy says, "During the war, when I was young, a beautiful Germam girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors." The priest replies, "Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure." The old guy says, "Does that mean that I have to tell her that the war is over?"

Chuck Norris can press "Pause" on reality.

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?” Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. “How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said. Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.” St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?” Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?” St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”

Q: How did the hail stone describe its life? A: It really has a lot of ups and downs.