Joke #4749

Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.

You want to come in my life, the door is open. You want to get out of my life, the door is open. Just one request. Don’t stand at the door, you’re blocking the traffic.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

Boy asks his Gran nervously, "have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD ?" Gran replies "fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!"

What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag? Speed bumps.

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

Jesus walks into a hotel, rings the bell, and waits for the receptionist to come out. He looks her dead in the eye, slams three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down? Hoe-Down.

A son and the dad are walking around on the streets. The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind." The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!"

Law of employment: When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed. When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.