Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.
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A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot."
The husband responds, "Who is he?"
The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage."
"Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
How did Nicki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?
Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
Q: What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
A: What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
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Q:How do crazy people go through the forest?
A:They take the psycho path.
Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years.
One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.
"Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.
"Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"
There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris...
Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
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Q: Why is marriage not a word?
A: It's a lifelong incarceration!
Chuck Norris is not cool.
By saying that, I have decreased my life to 5 seco...
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