George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she’s finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he’s finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to call the USA anytime.
Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.
The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call."
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The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That’s not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Yo' Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.
How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four.
One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son.
Any suggestions? Sure.
Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun.
"Your money or your life!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink.
While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.
So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"
The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."
"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."
"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."
"Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in that kind of activities."
So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"