Q: What kind of money do elves use?
A: Jingle bills!
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Money talks – all mine says is ‘Goodbye!’
Yo' Mama is so poor, when she picks a booger, she yells, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got meat!"
A: Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?
A: Elfis!
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we’re living with two h***s and a future congressman."
‘Money frees you from doing things you dislike, since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.’
Groucho Marx
How do you know you have a great CPA?
He has a tax loophole named after him.
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Q: What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
A: "First, YULE LOGon"!
Q: Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
A: Because he had low "elf" esteem!
Q: Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because Santa had said, "No L!"