Joke #9113

*WINS AN OSCAR* Me: I'd like to thank my legs, for always supporting me; my arms, who are always by my side and lastly my fingers, I can always count on them.

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don’t see why not," replies the doctor. "That’s funny," says the man. "I wasn’t able to play it before."

Q: What bounces and makes kids cry? A: My donation cheque to Children in Need.

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."

If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be? Chocolate filled.

"Hey what's up?" "Nothing much.. converting Oxygen into Carbon dioxide." "How the hell do you do that?!" "Breathing... Dude."

Me: What do you call someone who isn't sure if they like egg nog or not? Wife: What? Me: An Eggnogstic. Wife: This is grounds for divorce.

Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.

Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking." Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj."

Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.