*WINS AN OSCAR*
Me: I'd like to thank my legs, for always supporting me; my arms, who are always by my side and lastly my fingers, I can always count on them.
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Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?"
Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."
How long does it take a Mexican to build a, holy shit they're done!
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" came the reply
Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen tanks when scuba diving.
He simply sucks all the life out of the ocean to breath.
Vote:
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot."
The husband responds, "Who is he?"
The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage."
"Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Do you know the joke of "no me neither"?
No.
Me neither.
At the grammy awards Beyonce said to Justin Bieber, "What song would u sing of mine justin?"
Justin said, "If I were a boy."
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must of shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.