Joke #9441

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they're all like "we need to talk."

Yesterday I tried to catch fog. Mist.

A patient: "Doctor, I don’t feel hungry after taking meal." Doctor: "Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit." (After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines). Doctor: "Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up."

Which runs faster, hot or cold? Hot. Everyone can catch cold.

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

Everytime a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.".

Baby, baby, baby ooh! Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber? Daughter: No, I'm watching porn. Mom: Oh, thank goodness.

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.

One day Daily Mail has a article with title: "One in four cannot read." The next day one another newspaper writes: "Nice to see a newspaper finally acknowledging their audience."

A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass. "Why do you have a cork up your ass?" "Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No s**t!"