Joke #9387

The fastest dialog in the world: (WC door is opening) Man inside: Heyyy! Man outside: Sorryyy!
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St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." "Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"
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I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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Q: Why is marriage not a word? A: It's a lifelong incarceration!
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Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life. When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.
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An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
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A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway: "Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" Pres says "You think we’re stupid boy?" "We made copies of all the receipts!"
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A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister. She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on. She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed." The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior. She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."
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If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock? Oh wait... Twilight
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I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine. But I need a line to end it.
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