Joke #11730

Amazing unbelievable facts 1. Isaac Newton was alive before he died 2. It takes 60 seconds to make a minute 3. Albert Einstein was born on his birthday 4. Morgan Freeman is called Morgan Freeman because his first name is Morgan and last name is Freeman

What are the three rules for being a plumber? 1. Hot water is always on the left. 2. Shit doesn't flow uphill 3. Never chew your fingernails.

My grandfather once told me "your generation is too reliant on technology." So I replied "no, your generation is too reliant on technology!" Then I disconnected his life support.

Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.

I know a lady who blew her man's jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P. Now he down with No P.P.

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister. She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on. She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed." The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior. She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."

All these Miley Cyrus jokes are whoreable.

How do you know when an Asian breaks into your home? Your house is clean, your computer is fixed, and their still pulling out of your driveway.

I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.