Q: Why did this woman cross the road?
A: Because I was not fast enough to hit her.
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A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said.
"How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ?
Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.
There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each.
So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you.
So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.
The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was.
She said, "I had sex with a guy."
The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water.
So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was.
She said, "I got in a fight with another nun."
So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water.
So she did.
The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.
And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
I like my women how I like my laptop.
Sat on my lap, turned on & completely virus free.
What is a buttress?
A female goat.
Q: What book do women like the most?
A: "Their husbands checkbook!"
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband.
He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?"
"There," said the wife, "didn’t I tell you he was stupid?"