I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped. Saved myself a fiver.
How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
Q: Who may open the door without using hands, nor legs? A: An invalid.
What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets.
Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)
How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ? Nail its other hand to the floor.
Q: Why is Al Qaeda more compassionate than pro-lifers? A: The 9/11 hijackers got to die instantly.
What's black and red, wears high top Reeboks and cant go through a revolving door? A nigger with a spear through his head.
Q: How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention? A: It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.