I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped. Saved myself a fiver.
Q: When does a pedophile go to sleep? A: When the big hand touches the small one.
What goes: "Click-is that it? Click-is that it? Click-is that it?" A blind person with a rubix cube.
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!
Are you lost, ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here.
Q: How do you get a black out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.
Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill.
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says: "I can not proceed in this way." And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they dig up the woman.
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said, "So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."
What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool? Throw in your laundry.