Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria. One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides. When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest. This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid. I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.
How the children from Chernobil count from one to hundred? On the fingers!
I'm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do... by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely, Michael Myers
Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever. Me: What's that hunny? Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk. Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, I'll break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?
What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A baby with a punctured lung.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
Daddy to his son: I don't care if you are dating a black girl - they are all pink on the inside.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
"Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place?" "He was sacked for making a grave mistake."
What's funnier than cancer? Most things, really.
A large number of Black soldiers died in Iraq war because every time their chief said: "Get on the floor!" they stood up and started dancing.