How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat? By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
A man is out shopping when he discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. He buys a pack and shows his wife. ‘They’re in three colours,’ he tells her, ‘Gold, silver and bronze.’ ‘So what colour are you going to wear tonight?’ she asks. ‘Gold of course,’ replies the man. ‘Why don’t you wear silver?’ replies his wife. ‘It would be nice if you came second for a change!’
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe? A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
A lady tells her husband, “My gynecologist said I can’t have sex for two weeks.” He replies, “What did your dentist say?”
On the other day in a cemetery, I saw a woman who was rubbing her ass to a grave. When I asked the reason, she answered: "It was my husband when he was alive; always he told me: 'Your ass is so sweet whenever any dead man touches it he'll be alive!'"
Man, to woman, ‘Do you want sex?’ Woman, ‘Your place or mine?’ Man, ‘Well, if you’re going to argue. Forget it.’
"It's a boy," I shouted, as tears began to roll down my cheeks. "I can't believe it, it really is a boy." That's when I swore never to return to Thailand.
Q. Why don't little girls fart? A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. "Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
A man says to his wife, ‘You know what, two inches more and I’d be king.’ She replies, ‘Two inches less and you’d be queen.’
A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife. He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water." She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!" He replied, "Thank God!"