What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits? A cud thud.
Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? He liked a good croak and dagger.
Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for rubbish and blubber? The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when there was a knock on the door. He opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper. There was another knock, so he opened the door again. This time, he looked down and saw a small snail. "Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said. The man picked up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading. A year later, there was another knock at the door. It was the snail. "What'd you do that for?"
The man comes home drunken but he goes to the piggery instead of the house. He lies down, he takes a look at the pig, caresses it and says: "Oh, it's you, darling, naked again?"
Chuck Norris can stick his hand inside a rabbit's mouth and pull out a HAT!
What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head? A tiger moth.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"
There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'. Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?" The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"