My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.
In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful!
But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic!
What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible!
I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
I never knew happiness till I got married.
By then it was too late.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
I asked my wife why did she marry me.
Wife: "Because you are funny."
Me: "I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?"
Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."
“A happy marriage is nothing but a give and take relationship; the husband gives and the wife takes.”
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