The best marriage jokes

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."
Vote: has 87.53 % from 159 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, marriage, romantic, Valentines day, wife
A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today." She goes in and find him with his pants down. "That's not a watch!" she says. "It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."
Vote: has 87.52 % from 327 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, time, wife
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Vote: has 87.47 % from 129 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
I can remember where I got married. I can remember when I got married. I just can’t remember why.
Vote: has 87.42 % from 148 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the Lottery!’ Martha shouts back, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’ The man replies, ‘I don’t care, just as long as you’re out of the house by noon!’
Vote: has 87.41 % from 167 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'... I took her to a petrol station...
Vote: has 87.36 % from 118 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wife
Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk." The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We haven't even swept together!"
Vote: has 87.28 % from 127 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
A wife tells her husband while watching a Mexican TV series: "Look, how much he loves her…" "Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"
Vote: has 87.28 % from 184 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, mexican, money, wife
"Hey, man! You didn't tell me why didn't you get through with the wedding!" "To tell you the truth... I'm thinking about your wife, all the time!" "WHAT? You PRICK!" "Chill out man... Don't get it wrong... I'm just afraid that I might end up having the same bad luck as you had...!"
Vote: has 87.26 % from 165 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wedding, wife
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Vote: has 87.26 % from 193 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, nerd, technology