The best marriage jokes

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.
Vote: has 70.55 % from 44 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, marriage, masturbation, technology, work
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Vote: has 70.39 % from 253 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.
Vote: has 70.28 % from 141 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, college, kids, marriage, wife
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Vote: has 70.26 % from 882 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: golf, marriage, time, wife, women
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."
Vote: has 69.95 % from 688 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: car, god, marriage, money, women
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!" "Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?" "She's 19." "That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!" "Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."
Vote: has 69.86 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: communication, death, doctor, marriage, old people
Marriages are made in Heaven – but then again, so are thunder and lightning.
Vote: has 69.60 % from 134 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac, there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted. I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps. As a reminder, I said, "Don't forget to empty the trash." Obediently he replied, "Yes, dear."
Vote: has 69.55 % from 30 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: communication, customer service, IT, marriage, technology
A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
Vote: has 69.37 % from 96 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: disgusting, family, marriage, redneck
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"
Vote: has 69.22 % from 1031 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage


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