The best marriage jokes

How do you know when you honeymoon is over? When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commentator.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go doggy style!"

Why can't single women fart? They don't get an asshole till they get married.

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.

3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room. 2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom. 3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.

One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer. His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted". He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough." His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?" He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.