The best marriage jokes

Wife:"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband:"You have perfect eyesight."
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has 60.26 % from 98 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Yo mama is so stupid she married a carpenter just to get nailed.
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has 60.15 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: marriage, stupid, Yo mama
Wedding anniversaries are a time when men pause and reflect on what it was they did before they were married: anything they wanted to.
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has 60.15 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, marriage, time
Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A: Married.
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has 60.15 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: beauty, blonde, marriage
A guy buys his first motorcycle. The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting. A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table. Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket. "OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"
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has 59.81 % from 200 votes. More jokes about: dad, family, marriage, sex, weather
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
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has 59.80 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: lawyer, marriage, wife
One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
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has 59.27 % from 136 votes. More jokes about: dad, god, marriage, work
Q: What are the three rings of marriage? A: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
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has 59.20 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wedding
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
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has 59.19 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: marriage, men
Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great. Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night." Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight." While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move. Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
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has 59.17 % from 76 votes. More jokes about: death, marriage, sex, women
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