The best marriage jokes

Wife:"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband:"You have perfect eyesight."
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has 59.59 % from 99 votes. More jokes about: marriage
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
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has 59.19 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: marriage, men
A guy buys his first motorcycle. The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting. A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table. Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket. "OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"
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has 59.18 % from 202 votes. More jokes about: dad, family, marriage, sex, weather
Air Force Approach: "Eagle 13, turn right to 330." Eagle 13: "Roger 330." App: "Eagle 13, I've been working since last night, Will you do me a favor?" Eagle 13: "Affirmative. Go ahead." App: "Down below on your right, you'll see a base house with yellow roof near the lake. That is my house. I had a fight with my Wife, and I'm worried she might take it out on my Harley. Do you see a Harley Davidson near the house?" Eagle 13: "Negative sir. Instead I can see a Ryder's truck."
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has 58.98 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: air force, marriage, wife
Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great. Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night." Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight." While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move. Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
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has 58.81 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: death, marriage, sex, women
Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies? A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.
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has 58.67 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, death, marriage, political, sex
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married.
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has 58.52 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: bar, marriage, men, single
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
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has 58.51 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: love, marriage, technology, Valentines day, wife
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. "What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
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has 58.46 % from 278 votes. More jokes about: marriage, romantic, Valentines day
When you try to change a man, you basically undertake his mother’s role; And she made him eat spinach and study for school...
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has 58.26 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: marriage, school
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