A woman got married, but her husband was abusive.
She got remarried and that husband ran out on her.
She got married again and that husband failed in bed.
Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed."
The next day, the doorbell rings.
There is a man with no arms and no legs.
"Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says.
"Tell me a little about you."
"Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you.
I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies.
"How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks.
He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
Practical thought:
A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...
After 20 years of marriage, a wife finds out that her husband had been f*cking her for the past 20 years with a dildo!
she is so angry she asks her husband to "Explain the dildo".
The husband replies "explain the kids?!"
Doctor to woman patient: "Your husband is too fond of strong coffee. You should not give it to him."
Patient: "But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak coffee."
A husband and wife are eating soup.
The wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I’d like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can’t sell you that."
"Why not" asked the customer?
"Because that’s my husband."
An angry man is coming home and shouts to his wife, "I know everything!"
His wife reacts right away, "Is that so? Then tell me please. Who is the fifth highest peak in the world?"
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."