Joke #3377

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed." The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs. "Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says. "Tell me a little about you." "Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies. "How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks. He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Vote:
has 62.31 % from 844 votes. More jokes about: marriage

Similar jokes

See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.

There was an old married couple who love each other very much. But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fart with his wife right in the bed next to him. The wife always says "One day you're going to fart your guts out if you don't stop." Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind. She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fart all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while. Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."
Vote:
has 56.84 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: age, disgusting, fart, life, marriage
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"
Vote:
has 69.20 % from 1037 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Girlfriend pregnant error... Abort, Marry, Ignore?
Vote:
has 28.45 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: baby, IT, marriage
Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.
Vote:
has 56.65 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Vote:
has 85.95 % from 2620 votes. More jokes about: couple, husband, marriage, wife, work
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Vote:
has 47.21 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
Vote:
has 67.63 % from 1207 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, money, wife, work
Q: Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? A: Because they part for every little shit.
Vote:
has 54.59 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, marriage
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?" "Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Vote:
has 85.55 % from 202 votes. More jokes about: marriage
I never knew happiness till I got married. By then it was too late.
Vote:
has 81.28 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: marriage, mean, time