The best old people jokes

Teacher: "Who can tell what is a mammal? Little Johnny: "My grand mother!"
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has 63.99 % from 112 votes. More jokes about: family, little Johnny, mean, old people, teacher
Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."
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has 63.82 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, beer, old people, work
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
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has 63.75 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: age, animal, couple, disgusting, old people
A Grandmother was checking out her grand-daughters grasp of colours and tested her regularly. She would ask her and the grand-daughter would always get the colour right. One day as we were heading to the doctors she turned to her Grandma and said "Don’t you think it’s time you tried to figure some of these out for yourself?"
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has 63.75 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: doctor, old people
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, old people, women
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” “He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled. The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?” The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?” The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!” The woman then gave the officer her license. “I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?” The old man replied, “He said he knows you!
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has 63.51 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: cop, dating, husband, old people, ugly
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, association,it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
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has 63.51 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: hospital, medical, memory, old people, wife
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.
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has 63.22 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, old people
A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember. Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything. “Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?” she asked. “Sure,” he replied. “Do you think you should write that down to remember it?” she asked. “No, I can remember that,” he said. “I’d like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?” she said. “No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries,” he said, becoming a little irritated. “I’d like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down,” she said. “For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don’t need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream,” he said, now more than a little irritated. Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said, “Where’s my toast?”
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has 63.17 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: old people
A Pontiac takes examinations for the driver’s licence for the fourth year in a row. The examiner asks him "So, you’re running on the street. You have a mountain on your right and there’s a cliff on your left. There are two women in your way; the one young and the other an old woman. Which one are you going to hit?" "Of course the old woman!" The examinet frustrated "I told you last year! You hit the brakes!"
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has 63.00 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: age, car, life, old people, women
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