The best phone jokes

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday." There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: church, customer service, old people, phone
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…
Vote: has 79.17 % from 166 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: health, life, math, phone
Women are like telephones. They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected.
Vote: has 78.78 % from 305 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: love, phone, women
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Vote: has 78.75 % from 80 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, phone
How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
Vote: has 77.41 % from 75 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, phone, technology
A girl started noticing a guy who stands in front of her home everyday in the evening. She noticed the guy always comes mostly in the evenings and weekends. The guy never tried to talk to her nor showed any gesture, he just moves here and there by looking into his mobile phone and occasionally stealing a stare at her. It went on like that for a year and the girl understood the guy was in love with her but was too shy to express his feelings. So, she told her parents. They too saw him and liked him. They discussed with her grandparents about a likely marriage. But wanted her to make the first move. The next day, she went to him and said, Hi. I'm Jada. He said, Hi. I'm Smith. Hearing this, the girl was very happy as the names were matching like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett. The girl went on and said, I really appreciate your patience and decency. You have been standing in front of my home everyday for about a year now. So, I understand that you are in love with me but too shy to say it. I think i really like you too and would love it if we get married. The guy smiled and said, Forgive me sister! Actually your home's WIFI doesn't have a password. So, i come here every evening after work to use free wi-fi to chat with my girlfriend.
Vote: has 77.29 % from 106 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, marriage, phone, religious, technology
It was reported this week that Google would soon launch its own cellphone as a challenge to the iPhone. Also a challenge to the iPhone? Making phone calls.
Vote: has 76.89 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, phone, technology
Your momma so fat when she step on the scales her phone number came up.
Vote: has 76.65 % from 430 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fat, phone, Yo mama
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!” “It’s not just one car!” said the blonde. “There’s f*ck*ng hundreds of them!”
Vote: has 76.27 % from 34 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde, car, husband, phone
Chuck Norris' phone never auto corrects him.
Vote: has 75.97 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, phone