The best phone jokes

"Hey Bill... Do you talk to your wife while you are having sex?" "Only if there's a phone handy", Bill replied.
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has 79.54 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: communication, phone, sex, wife
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.
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has 79.35 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: fat, fitness, phone
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
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has 79.19 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: life, phone, political, science
Women are like telephones. They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected.
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has 78.77 % from 310 votes. More jokes about: love, phone, women
How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
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has 78.75 % from 80 votes. More jokes about: IT, phone, technology
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this rescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’."
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has 78.31 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: doctor, old people, phone
A lawyer has just settled down in his new office. So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients. After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office. Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action. So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you." He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?" "Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."
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has 78.31 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: communication, lawyer, office, phone, work
Me using the Siri app on my iPhone: Me: "Siri, call my wife." Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts." Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife." Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife." Me: "Call my wife." Siri: "Which wife?"
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has 77.64 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: communication, phone, stupid, technology, wife
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?" The assistant says, "$2000." The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast." "What about the green one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes." "What about the red one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "That one's $10,000." The man says, "What does HE do?" The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."
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has 77.54 % from 102 votes. More jokes about: animal, money, parrot, phone
What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese telephone. Wing, Wing, Halo
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has 77.49 % from 143 votes. More jokes about: phone, racist
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