The best phone jokes

Chuck Norris keeps a list of all his victims, it's called the phone book.
Vote: has 78.59 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, phone
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
Vote: has 78.53 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, phone, political, science
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…
Vote: has 78.46 % from 155 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: health, life, math, phone
How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
Vote: has 77.83 % from 71 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, phone, technology
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Vote: has 77.70 % from 76 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, phone
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!” “It’s not just one car!” said the blonde. “There’s f*ck*ng hundreds of them!”
Vote: has 77.50 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde, car, husband, phone
Chuck Norris puts phone companies on hold.
Vote: has 76.99 % from 9 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, phone
Chuck Norris can text using a rotary phone.
Vote: has 76.89 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, phone
Chuck Norris can answer a missed call.
Vote: has 76.89 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, phone
Your momma so fat when she step on the scales her phone number came up.
Vote: has 76.72 % from 422 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fat, phone, Yo mama