The best phone jokes

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
Vote: has 79.27 % from 216 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, doctor, old people, phone
Q: How do you know when you are stoned? A: When you are too phoned to stone home.
Vote: has 78.80 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: phone, weed
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…
Vote: has 78.60 % from 140 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: health, life, math, phone
Women are like telephones. They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected.
Vote: has 78.58 % from 302 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: love, phone, women
Yo Mommas so stupid she got lost in a telephone booth.
Vote: has 78.50 % from 56 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: phone, stupid, Yo mama
Chuck Norris can answer a missed call.
Vote: has 78.15 % from 31 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, phone
A lawyer has just settled down in his new office. So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients. After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office. Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action. So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you." He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?" "Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."
Vote: has 77.47 % from 36 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, lawyer, office, phone, work
How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
Vote: has 77.23 % from 69 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, phone, technology
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Vote: has 76.83 % from 73 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, phone
Your momma so fat when she step on the scales her phone number came up.
Vote: has 76.72 % from 408 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fat, phone, Yo mama