A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary: Darling, have you been unfaithful to me? Yes, honey, three times. When was the first time? Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you. Thanks, darling. And when was the second time? Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you? Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time? Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?
One day a girl was with her mom in the park and saw two teens having sex on the bench. The little girl asked her mom, "Mommy, what are they doing?" The mom was blushing and replied, "Oh their making cakes." The next day the girl and the mom went to the zoo and saw two monkey having sex. The little girl asked again, "Mommy, what are they doing?" Again the mother replied, "Oh their making cakes." The next day, the little girl confronted her mom, "Mommy, I know you and daddy we’re making cakes last night." The mom was frightened and asked, "How did you know?" The little girl replied, "I licked the icing off the couch! It was good too!"
One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley. Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard."
My husband told me to find him the best penis enlargement product. So I gave him a magnifying glass!
A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations." The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?" The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?" The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations." "Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one night, and had just finished when Paul decided he was going to freshen up in the shower. Tom was laying there thinking about how wonderful Paul was, when he decided he was going to join him in the shower. When Tom got into the bathroom, he opened up the shower curtain and the first thing he saw was a large cumshot on the wall. He wailed to Tom, "I can't believe you! We just finish making love and you come in here and jack-off!" Paul looks at the wall and says "What are you talkng about? I wasn't jacking-off, I farted!"
Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"? A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"
A man calls 911 emergency: " Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!" After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, ‘Doctor, why do men always want to marry a virgin?’ To which the doctor responded, ‘To avoid criticism.’
A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation. After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump. The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it. The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"