Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting.
They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost.
He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him.
He then waits an hour and does it again.
He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers.
He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do.
The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
Q: How long does it take before a pound of weed goes bad?
A: I don't know! I've never had it longer than an hour!
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
A man was strolling along a beach in California.
On giving the sand a kick he struck a corked bottle.
He bent down, picked it up and removed the cork.
Immediately, a Genie came out of the bottle and said to him, "Master, I have been a prisoner in this bottle for a thousand years and now you have set me free.
For that, I will grant you one wish."
The man thought for a moment then said, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid to fly and I get sick on a ship.
Could you build a highway from California to Hawaii?"
"Master, that is a difficult wish to fulfill.
Can you think of something that is more practical?"
The man thought for a moment and said, "Could you tell me why women are the way they are?"
The Genie thought for a moment before replying, "Would that be two lanes or four?"
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
Vote:
1998: Don't get in the car with strangers.
2008: Don't meet people from the internet.
2018: Order yourself a stranger to get in the car with from the internet. (Uber)
A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.
They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed.
The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off.
The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.
The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?".
To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"
Q: Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
A: Time will tell.
Vote:
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.