Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut. After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley's head. "How you like it?" asked the barber. "Real fine," said the redneck. "But how 'bout making it a little longer in the back?"
Chuck Norris is ambidextrous. He can do Roundhouse kicks with his left and right leg. All at the same time.
After 20 years of marriage, a wife finds out that her husband had been f*cking her for the past 20 years with a dildo! she is so angry she asks her husband to "Explain the dildo". The husband replies "explain the kids?!"
A man calls 911 emergency: " Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!" After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."
A hitchhiker walks down the road. Unfortunately, he has the runs and has to stop every 15 minutes. A truck driver stops and offers a ride, but warns him that he won't stop for anything. About 10 minutes on the road, the hitchhiker begs the truck driver to stop, and the driver tells him, "Stick your butt out the window if you have to go so bad." The hitchhiker sticks his butt out the window and lets loose. Unfortunately, he doesn't notice the two guys walking on the roadside. Sprayed with feces, the first guy wipes his face and says, "What are them truckers chewing these days?" The second guy wipes his face and says, "I don't know, but did you see the lips on that guy?"
Chuck Norris once saw a video that takes 24 hours to watch... He saw it 3 times a day.
A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney "that will be $400.00." The attorney became irate "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!" The plumber replied, "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney".
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
After twelve years of carrying books to school, you're well prepared for a career in backpacking.
Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? A: Because they can spend years at C!