The best time jokes

It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.

Q: How do all stoner stories start? A: This one time when I was high...

Q: Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion? A: It was too current.

Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer. "You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said. The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods. At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."

I have got a new dog. We have trained together for two months and imagine, after these two months I was able to reach him my paw and managed even barking around on command. My dog can be proud of myself.

Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London? They were really pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

One day little Johnny was playing on his push car that u sit on and push with your feet. His looked like a bus, and as such he was the bus driver. Little Johnny would drive a little, stop, and say "all you mother fuckers that want to get on, get on. And all you mother fuckers that want to get off, get off." His mother was in the kitchen and thought surely I didn't hear him correctly. But then once again, little Johnny stopped and said "all you mother fuckers that want to get on, get on. And all you mother fuckers that want t o get off, get off." So him mom came running out and told her young son he was to go to his room 'till he learned to play right. About 20 minutes later Johnny came out to play. Be reassured his mom he learned his lesson. So, back on his bus, he began driving around again. He stopped and said "all you nice people that want to get off, get off. And all you nice people that want to get on, get on. And all you mother fuckers that want to know why I'm late, ask the bitch in the kitchen.

Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.

Q: How many University Graduates does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it may take up to seven years!

Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car's tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, "When were you last driving the car?" "Last night at 11:00," I said. "And the tires were on it then?"