Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car's tires had been stolen.
When the police officer arrived, he asked, "When were you last driving the car?"
"Last night at 11:00," I said.
"And the tires were on it then?"
Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve?
A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Time keeps going only to run away from Chuck Norris.
Vote:
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
It repeated on him.
"Backspace key"... hiding feelings since ages.
Vote:
Chuck Norris is never late... time is just early.
Vote:
"My wife drives like thunder."
"So fast?"
"No, every minute she strikes a tree."
This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride.
The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors."
Doctor: "Why didn’t you come to me earlier?"