If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by tomorrow morning.
A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island.
After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford.
They build a lean-to and find some food and water.
After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate.
The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree.
"What's the matter?" Cindy says: "Is there anything I can do?"
"Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?"
"A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it.
"Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?"
"Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right."
"Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm fucking!"
Vote:
An Army Officer with an under-trainee Cadet went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Officer awoke and nudged his cadet. "Charlie, look up and tell me what you see."
Charlie replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Officer asked. Watson pondered for a minute and in order to impress his officer said "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that the lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Officer was silent for a minute, and then spoke.
"Charlie, you idiot, somebody has stolen our **** tent."
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever.
Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
It repeated on him.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.
Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer.
Q: What did the farmer say when he is driving down the road on a steep hill and his right front wheel falls off?
A: "You picked a poor time to leave me loose wheel."
Vote:
We should've known communism would fail. There were a lot of red flags.
Q: How do all stoner stories start?
A: This one time when I was high...