I'm not usually one to tell someone how to do their job, which is probably why my promotion to management only lasted a week.
The economy got very bad in 2008. I saw a pimp driving a beat up old Volkswagon.
Yo momma is so old that her first Christmas was the first Christmas.
Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing their graduation gowns. "Are you graduates from the city university?" asked the cab driver. "Yes, sir," they announced proudly. "Class of "99." The cabbie extended his hand. "Class of "67."
I and my two mates went to a hooker and she told us that it will cost us a pound an inch. My first mate went in and came out after minutes, saying, it cost me a tenner! My second mate went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £9.50! I went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £3.50.! "What do you mean," they asked me. "I told them, you both paid on the way in but I paid on the way out."
In year 1272 Arabics invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In year 1873 the British somewhat reinvented the condom by taking it out of the goat first.
Chuck Norris once saw a video that takes 24 hours to watch... He saw it 3 times a day.
A father, as he was going home, he saw his daughter on the porch, kissing a guy goodnight. Disturbed, he turned to the guy. "In our home, young man, we turn of the light at 11 o'clock, sharp!" "Oh, Thank you so much Sir! That's so convenient! Thanks!"
Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? A: Because they can spend years at C!
How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.