The best wife jokes

Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved her for more than sex, the young man bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions, however, the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. "I suppose," she said, "that now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread." "Why?" said the young man. "Don't we have a vase?"
Vote: has 73.84 % from 481 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: love, sex, wife
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
Vote: has 73.80 % from 50 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, wife
Q: What's a man's definition of safe sex? A: When his wife's out of town.
Vote: has 73.79 % from 316 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex, wife
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.
Vote: has 73.52 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, food, wife
"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!"
Vote: has 73.52 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bartender, wife
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
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More jokes about: music, wife, work
My wife and I really love bondage. She loves it because she's a kinky bitch. I love it because I get to gag her for a couple of hours.
Vote: has 73.41 % from 171 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: love, sex, wife
"Is it rape if it's your wife?" "I don't think so." "What a relief! I thought you'd be mad as hell!"
Vote: has 73.05 % from 800 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex, wife
After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence. She warns him that he'll fart his guts out. One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence. The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"
Vote: has 72.77 % from 34 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, husband, marriage, wife
"Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?" "Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!" The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife. So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended up having wild sex in the kitchen? You had manacled my hands and you cramed a carrot in my a…!" The woman frowned answers: "No, I am your son’s philologist..."
Vote: has 72.72 % from 195 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, kids, sex, wife